i am sorry i don't have a tagboard cause i know i'll never reply haha.

i am suzen. does the universe have a purpose? sometimes i look up in the sky at the sunset and it's so beautiful that it's hard to imagine that something so beautiful might just be a coincidence, that we're all just coincidences.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout

haha
so, i have decided to take quantity surveying.

for everyone who's asking, like why?

why not music?
why don't you pursue your dreams?
what if you regret?

to everyone, i don't know the answers myself.

i guess, i decided the moment that i realised that i had different compartments, or departments in my brain.

i was in ucsi, my dad had finally relented and took me college-shopping for music.

i didn't feel happy at all. i felt like i was going to let my music go.

you know, the one that's special to you, and it belongs to you, and you belong to it, and if you let the world see or hear it, they wouldn't like it.

because it's not happy, it's not sunshiny, it might even be sad.

and sad doesn't fit in in this world.

so, i realised that i loved music, but in a different department, you know, not the find-a-job department.

the things-i-love department. the department that if was lost, i would be lost.

i feel like i'm saying that i'm a departmental store now. but no, i'm not. haha.

and so, if i study music to that level, i'll have rules, i'll have boundaries, i'll have a fucking box that i have to sqeeze into.

of course, maybe, i could just take in all the shit and when i graduate, i'll be able to make my music.

but the 'maybe' is hanging by a thread that's too thin and breakable for my liking. and if that string broke, if i had let it break, i would have regretted it more than anything. more than taking quantity surveying.

so you get what i'm saying?

lol so, i choose to take qs. because at the end of the day, it's just a job. it's not me, it's not my core, it's not the thing that defines me. and inside, i'm still the musician. i just don't earn money that way. you know?

and now that i chose quantity surveying (i will call it qs from now on cause qs in the long form is just too crappily long haha) i don't know, i feel liberated in a way.

you know what's the best thing about not knowing rules and the best way to do something?

you do things your own way, and one day, you just might stumble on a way to do something that's just so mind blowingly good that you know you've create IT. and there's nothing like that feeling in the world.

so, by my way of liberating, i meant that i forever free myself from making boxy music that tests your finger skills rather than your imagination or your emotional skills.

lol i can't seem to stop today can i? i seem to be on a bit of a roll.

you know what kind of music i want to make?

i've never told anyone this, except for one person. and he's not even in my life anymore.

oh well,

i want to make music that, no matter what you feel, you belong in it. even if you're scared, happy, sad, delusional, hysterical, crying, dying, sleeping, laughing, jumping, cooking, smiling, working, anything, you belong in it. even if you're a pompous git, even if you're so superficial that your feelings have died the day you decided to dump your old friends for new ones because they weren't cool anymore, you belong in it. and you not only belong in it, you forget how pompous or superficial you are for a moment, and truly live, even if just for a moment. you live.

and i don't care what happens after my song ends, you could go on smiling, dying, sleeping, laughing, farting, whatever. but if you stopped in your tracks for a moment, and joined my tracks, even if just for a moment, i would be so happy that i could die at that moment and smile, and felt satisfied, and know that i have done what i was put on earth to do.



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